Struggling

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So,  I’ve been having kind of a hard time lately. Just the last two days I’ve been really sick with a virus,  maybe the flu? I am feeling better today, but got woozy after getting groceries.

I have also been dealing with a mild depression lately. Perhaps some lingering grief for my grandmother who passed away a little over a year ago. And finding my work really overwhelming.

This is a free form, free thought sort of post, which I don’t usually succumb to. But I definitely feel like I just need to get it out there, that I’m holding it all in with no one to talk to.

Which isn’t true, not really, I have an amazing support group, several friends who would listen to me right this very minute, and a work resource that is 24 hours a day just for this sort of thing. 1-800 stressed or bummed and you need help? Call us! What a great resource, right? And why am I not using it?

Among other reasons, it’s still really hard for me to admit that I’m not perfect. I really want to feel like I have everything under control,  and it’s really hard to admit that I do not.

I’m also not sure I’m very good at my job. It is such an amazing job. It’s not exaggerating to say it’s my dream job, or it was ….before I had it. A fun mix of teaching fitness classes and some personal training. But it is so much harder than I thought it would be, & it is making me physically weaker, not stronger.

I’m definitely experiencing some of the signs of overtraining. Getting sick often. Muscles constantly sore. And oh, right, depression. Not losing weight, though, because I’m stressed and constantly hungry. I try not to obsess on weight, but I’m heavier than I’ve been in years.

I teach 3 to 4 fitness classes a day. I became aware this was too much for my body a few months back, and started cutting back on how much I was actually participating. Coaching wherever I can.

It has only helped somewhat, especially since I’ve added Spinning to my repertoire. That has made it much worse… I’m exhausted. Literally sick and tired.

I don’t know what to do. I started eating meat again and taking multivitamins.

But most days I think, there’s no way this can be my career. I’m too old, or it’s too hard… or both. I’m living a fantasy career and daydreaming about another one. I’m writing a book, which I don’t plan to publish… but I do hope to publish the next one and I hope that I can make some money off it.
I am fully aware that it is seen as a pipe dream to live off of writing novels. But I have done some research, and it looks like it takes very little talent to write sellable romance novels. And I think I have talent!

Besides, I’m already “living the dream” in one career. So many fitness professionals wish they could have a job like mine. I’ve gotten lucky before, who is to say it can’t happen again?

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