I have been on medication for depression for almost a year now. I felt so much better than I felt before that I’d show up to psych appointments super positive: All the projects I was working on that I’d previously lost interest in, how well my job was going, how great my dog is.
Yesterday he asked me some casual questions about my socializing. Which is, um, non-existent … I don’t socialize, unless it’s a mid-day event. And even that is difficult. Evenings just feel too hard, you know, early bedtime. And he asked me about dating, which I basically said is too much work. And I may have gotten a little teary when I said it.
Then he asked me to take him through my week, which led to my admitting that mornings are hard, and after 3 or 4 is hard… not just tired, but pretty blue as well. So we’re adding a second low dose of meds in the afternoon, that should help. I was already on a pretty low dose.
I had suspected for a while that I needed a bit more. Why is it so hard for me to ask for what I need?
Things have been getting to me lately; what should be mild worries can be devastating. Like money, which is difficult and stressful, but shouldn’t leave me a useless wreck, either. But at least one time in the last week, it did. These are signs….
But I still wasn’t as bad off as I was, and I guess some part of me still thinks I don’t deserve to be happy, that I should just be satisfied with okay. Or that I should push through, grin and bear it and not complain too much. Those could be my farmer genes talking….
Anyway, I am looking forward to feeling better than I have been.